Who Left Porn On The Printer?

Someone left porn on the printer at work today. I have five female co-workers. My boss is male. Between a few of us, I think we were able to narrow it down to a likely suspect. (You make the call.)

I actually have nothing against *most* porn. It has it's place. But, now I know a certain unnamed someone is "looking for a fug buddy," (and doing it at work, no less - eeww) and .... I just threw up a little in my mouth.

This is Fug.

The Profanity Pug.

My Daughter Is A Little Too Shaggy

"Like, can I watch cartoons, Mommy?"

"Like, do we have gymnastics today?"

"Like, Grammy says I can have dinner at her house tonight ..."

Sooo, exactly when did my daughter start channeling Shaggy? The origin of this disturbing (not to mention mildly annoying) new development has me stumped.

I'm hoping it's just like, a phase she'll grow out of.

Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
Daphne: Guys, come on, remember what I told you?
Shaggy: Like, never pick your nose in public?
Daphne: No, but that's ... good too.
Scooby-Doo: Rimage ris everything.
Daphne: Yes, image is everything. Okay, the whole city is watching, so try to keep a brave face.

Break Out The Tarot Cards

MaggiePie told her preschool teacher I had to go to a medium this morning. While her version makes for a better story, I think she meant "meeting."

Yeah ... not nearly as interesting.

Recipe for the Gastronomically Impaired

I want to be that mom that cooks. To purchase real meat and actually know what do with it it. It's not that I don't have the desire to learn. It's that most nights I'm too exhausted to function beyond Hamburger Helper.

My new year's goal is to attempt to prepare at least one true dinner each weekend ('cause let's face it, it just ain't gonna happen Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday).

I'll start next weekend.

In the meantime, here's one deceptively easy recipe I LOVE from Real Simple's October 2004 issue. It truthfully takes just 10 minutes to prepare, 10 minutes to cook, and requires less than 10 ingredients. Even I can handle that!

And the excellent part is, while everyone's complimenting me on my amazing chili, I'm thinking they have no idea they're basically drinking salsa.

SOUTHWESTERN CHICKEN CHILI
Makes 4 servings

1 12-ounce jar salsa verde
3 cups cooked chicken pieces (Just buy a deli-counter rotisserie chicken and carve, baby)
1 15-ounce can cannellini beans, drained
3 cups chicken broth
1 teaspoon ground cumin (optional)
2 green onions, chopped
1/2 cup sour cream
Tortilla chips (optional - I like to roll up soft flour tortillas and dip)

Empty the salsa into a large saucepan. Cook 2 minutes over medium-high heat, then add the chicken, beans, broth, and cumin (if desired). Bring to a boil, lower heat to a simmer, and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Top each bowl with a sprinkling of onions, a dollop of sour cream, and some tortilla chips (if desired). For a soupier dish, use 4 cups of broth.

I usually forgo the onions (Mommy, I don't want the yucky green things) and sour cream. The day I actually have these items on hand, I'll know I'm happily one step closer to being that mom that cooks. Which, if I'm being honest, will take some getting used to. In what has to be one of the more surreal moments of the day, I realize I'm now officially a mom that shares recipes. Lord help me.

Check Your Ego

"There is no limit to what can be accomplished if it doesn't matter who gets the credit."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Piece of Crap: Kandoo 'Flushable' Wipes

And this week's craptastic award goes to ... (drum role please)



Kandoo "Flushable" Wipes (or any baby/toddler wipe that claims to be flushable, for that matter).

Seriously. Can it get more accurate than that?

Ankle deep into the potty training years, I thought these lovely little inventions were a Godsend. I've been happily flushing away for nearly two years now. (As MaggiePie is fond of saying ... oh, silly woman.)

A few months ago, a sudden overwhelming stench and rapidly growing pool of filth -- seeping, seemingly from the depths of Hell (located conveniently just outside my back door, btw) -- propelled me to the yellow pages. Later that afternoon, I watched as my new sulphur spring exploded. Five hundred dollars and mounds of dirt later, I was told this was, in fact, not the handiwork of the Devil, but of ... Kandoo.

"Do you have a young child in the house?"

"Yeeesss ..."

"Wipes."

"Wipes??"

"Wipes."

I watched in horror as my plumber surfaced with huge wads of what looked like dirty rags.

"But the package says they're flushable!" (Silly, silly woman.)

"I can't tell you how many times I've seen this. I dig up at least one system per week that's plugged with these things. It's unbelievable."

(Note to reader: Keep in mind, I live in a relatively small town, and one a week for one plumber is A LOT.)

"But the package says they're FLUSHABLE."

"Anything's technically flushable. Gravel is flushable. I can't believe these things are still on the market."

I'm sorry ... WTF??!?

The long and short of it (according to my plumber) is, "flushable" does not necessarily mean biodegradable, although marketing efforts clearly lead the consumer to believe otherwise. Lesson learned.

After a little research, it seems this is happening all over the place - and not just in the U.S. Here's some info I wish I would've had two years ago (these are just a few of the top Google links):

Motive Grounds
Mommysavers Forums
Amazon Reviews
Dooyoo
That Hideous Man

There's almost nothing I hate more than to be made a fool of. All things considered, I pride myself on being a reasonably intelligent person, and I was duped. Yes, MommyPie's more than a little pissed off. So, in appreciation, Kandoo, let me be the first to congratulate you on becoming the first product to earn my very personal Piece of Crap Award.

Stay tuned for more turds in the punchbowl, Gentle Reader ...